You turned four a few daysmonth back. Your mom and I have been pushing that as a 'coming of age' number to get you to step up where need be.
So we egg you on with wheedles like - "a four year old drinks her milk out of a cup, not a bottle. So hold this Cup Rheya" or
"You are now old enough to tidy up your own toys". Or
"What do you mean 'are we not going ?' Take my car and drive yourself to pre-school!"
Nah! That last one isn't true. I'd never give you my car, I only asked you to pick up mamma's car ! 😜
Most of the times you happily shoulder the responsibility as growing older is the in thing until you are in your 20s. In your little 'social circle' you still look up to being at least as old as the princesses and fairies and Elsas and Sophies. I think to the one who justifiably claims the highest age there is a prize of a little momentary feeling of entitlement. But then that is common across all victories - entitlement of some form and always momentary.
At 4 you are on the thin, lanky side, with a more striking resemblance to your mom than me. You are all the more stubborn about your choices - not always easily buying into opinions offered by people around you. That's not to say that you are not influenced by your mates and their choices but you have been found to hold your ground when amongst friends - younger, older alike.
To me, your balanced sense of self to lead your life is always preferable to loosing yourself by blindly following others. Its a tough path - to always be in control of yourself but a valid one. So where you (thankfully) miss out on looking like me, You make up for it by acting more like me!
Now I say that fully aware that I am the first person that you will have (and have had) the most argumentative tussles with - because of this self-righteous attitude.
Suffice it to say that we've already had a fair number of 'disagreements'. In my defence, most of these have been about introducing some semblance of balance to the puppy like bustling, fidgety energy of yours rather than giving in to all your whims and fancies.
Speaking of restless puppies, Sky entered our lives as your 4th birthday gift and hope you remember how madly you are in love with her. That is despite her naughty, bitey, clawey, troublesome toddler like age. I can't stop smiling when I witness the bonhomie between the two of you, playing with an ease and comfort that can only come with a darling dog.
Another Birthday gift for you is a basketball hoop, installed on to your trampoline. You are already showing admirable awesomeness in shooting at it. I can already daydream about you turning out to be phenomenal, international basketball player thanking your parents for the early start in your interviews after a big win! That's besides you being an acclaimed scientist in some UN council, leading humans to settle on an earth like planet. No pressure though.
Dear daughter,
You've just turned four and I am ..... well many times that age. Okay I am around 10 times that age. There, I said it.
I am over forty already. How's that for a big number now !
Having gone through the very distinct universal phases of denial, more denial and yet more denial, slowly but begrudgingly I have come to accept my age.
At age forty, I did not want to acknowledge this unique halfway point in my lifetime just by association with a random round number. It took me a distance of about two years and some more of this roller coaster called life (cliched! But true) to arrive at a vantage point. It is here that the ride has paused, precariously perched with a dark, deep dungeon of old age yawning open its scary mouth in front of me. I look back and see the ride up to this point - full of curvaceous thrills and surprising turns and struggle to simply survive. However, each step upwards was motivated by eagerness to conquer power, pleasure or pain.
I stand here at virtual crossroads with a realisation that the highpoint of my life has to be here and now. As far as I remember, I have always been grateful for my share of happy memories but here now 20 years from 20 and (almost) same distance from 60 I get a glimpse of bliss !
I guess that is what they call an epiphany. I am feeling truly obliged for the sum total of hand that life has dealt for me.
For this juncture here now is where I have struggled to be for as long as I can remember - with you my moon playing with sky and me, within my world that's big enough for you to run and yet be cosily knit around just us. My mom, your mom, our family, nears and dears, happily, lovingly keeping all ill will at bay.
Each moment, every day spent to get here was the rocky road I'd rather not tread again. Each moment, everything post this point would start eroding it all away and it will be an effort to hold on to this crown position.
While its hard to be humble and jubilant at the same time, I feel honestly grateful standing victorious at a milestone close by that reads forty two. I don't get to turn back but I can choose to live up my high point on my ride of life and i also get to choose what I carry in my backpack for the journey ahead.
I look around and see others around me still busy in the struggle to sew a social circle around them, never able to curl up and relax with what they have.
I see people at forty or similar big numbers trying to go back, falling in and out of love with themselves, based on how well false-liked their fake-booked pictures are.
I see people trying to glint and gloss their dry smiles by dipping them in drinks and clinking glasses with the same people they bite behind their backs.
I look at them and have a smile that stems from a satisfied heart, content with my family of sun, moon, sky and the little colorful house with a garden in it. It wouldn't last forever but I intend to carry the smile of having lived through my dream for the bumpy, dark road ahead.